


Too Scared To Breathe

by thegirlwholoveshorror



Series: Don't Stop Smoking And Drinking [14]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Navy, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dementia, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explosions, F/M, Hurt Jared Padalecki, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love Confessions, M/M, Moving On, Near Death Experiences, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Jensen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-07-23 12:41:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16159175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegirlwholoveshorror/pseuds/thegirlwholoveshorror
Summary: Thanks for reading! :D x





	Too Scared To Breathe

**Intermission:[ _Dream-catcher_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15656907) **

October 2 2018

JENSEN'S APARTMENT'S KITCHEN~

“You must really enjoy pain if this is how you choose to live your life, Jared,” he said thickly.  


What was only seconds, but felt like years passed between the two of them, as they sat quietly looking at each other, Jensen sipping on his steaming hot cup of coffee, Jared smoking tobacco out of his pipe by the Oceanside as he was camping on a beach in Maine. 

“You're right. I love to feel pain, ” Jared answered lightly. “In fact, I live for it,”  


Jensen's feelings were on fire, and Jared's eyes were reflecting his pain.

“You're still as beautiful as you were ten years ago,”

“You can't be serious, Jared. I've changed so much,”

More time passed as they spoke about all and nothing.  


“I just—I can't believe it took you all of ten years to admit you loved me,”

“There's nothing I could have said or done to make you see me as I am back then, and you know that. Not to mention, you were with **_her_** ,”

Jared pursed his lower lip and nodded sagely, “That's fair,”

Jensen swallowed and looked down at his feet to avoid Jared's penetrating gaze, worry etched across his forehead, before he looked back up and sighed, “but do you know what's really amazing here? Essentially, we don't change: only our **priorities** do,”

Jared wasn't well and obviously hadn't moved on from them, even though he was in all but of another stupid relationship again now—this time with a woman from the Philippines who couldn't speak English and only needed him to get her green card anyway—, but, regardless and trying not to judge, Jensen couldn't help but look at him and realize that he was still in love with him, even after all these years, and it was enough to send his heart thudding against his ribs and a cold sweat bathing his forehead. Parallelly, there was somewhat of a sour taste rising into his throat though as there was no doubt in Jensen's mind now that Jared either had a **_dissociative identity or borderline personality disorder..._** _Jesus..._  


_Please God, let me help you... Don't make me beg you. Be honest with me and leave her. She can't love you like I do; she can't understand you like I do. Jared, you're like a storm and you drive me up the wall... but I think I've been in love with you from the day you walked my way...  
_

 

Jared's life was a mess.

 

_**Alter egos and shams**  
_

Let's get existential. After all, you know I love to get philosophical: it's my favourite flavour.

Why do some of us feel pain like an intense personal sensation of **agony** and face it with both fear and anguish, whereas others are strangers to these sensations— like a deaf man who can't help but not hear all of the beautiful sounds around him—, and haven't seen or known the best or worst of it yet, so they walk around like they're asleep and take the world and everything in it for granted? It's hard to say and a difficult one to swallow, but Jensen doesn't have a degree in psychology, so let's move on now. We've just been pondering it a lot lately.

What's _also_ strange with pain is that it's both relevant and irrelevant, and that's only if we can get past the fact that it can be both addictive and repellent for many people. What you go through is important to you, but meaningless to absolutely everyone else. You'd be better off in a world without emotions, neither positive or negative, if that's what it takes to make the world balanced and happy. Of course, the rules of law would still have to apply, but pain wouldn't be part of the equation, and neither would love for that matter as they tend to go hand in hand.

 ** _Moving onward_** , if you're well-adjusted enough to understand what it means to have that pain and to recognize that feeling when it comes before getting paralyzed by it, as well as to know that others will pretend it isn't there if they can, then you've become invincible and reached the point where nothing is impossible for you anymore because, let's agree, anything is possible if you have the motive for it; you have accepted the fates and have adapted to the conditions. You're no longer letting your life live you; you're living your life.

And if you've gone through all of the stages of grief when learning these sacramental truths, then you've found a love for yourself. You've gone through Hell, kept it together for whatever the right reasons for you are and have lived to tell the tale. Your pain has made you stronger, and you've fought for your life; no matter how much it rains, you know you'll stay afloat.

Finally, only when you get to the point when you stop crying your heart out and start picking up the pieces of your shattered life will there be a shift in the nature of the standards you have for yourself. In the grand scheme of things, it's your faith and the forgiveness you render yourself that will get you through to the lonely nights and the heartbreaking notion that you need to let the past simply die, and **_kill_ _it if you have to._**

It's that incomprehensible moment when your life falls apart and you couldn't help but realize that you've reached your maximum capacity in being able to tolerate the worst of yourself and of those around you. It's the final strikeout; the drop that spilled the glass.

 

FLASH

“I'm getting discharged from the army next year,”

“I don't deserve you,”

 

“Two of my friends in the army killed themselves last November,”

 

“If it wasn't for Sousanna, I would have killed myself already,”

 

“There was an explosion—I have burns all over my arms,”

 

“I'm seeing a psychiatrist with the army—I'm heavily medicated,”

 

“I'm moving back to New York City next Autumn. We should get together,”

 

\--------

 

.l.i.f.e.

All issues with Jared aside, among other difficult things, Mackenzie was in a psychiatric hospital now getting electric shock therapy as she's bipolar and had tried to take her own life, suffering from PTSD from her last abusive relationship and utterly destroyed from years working in the emergency in New York City, and Allan's mind was **rotting away** with dementia, which as you can imagine had the aftermath of him now being unable to drive as the state had taken away his driver's license because of his illness. Donna was working herself into the ground to pay her husband's medical bills and get them out of debt, and Jensen and Joshua spent all their nights studying and their days working to get by...

 

 

When all was said and done though, regardless of the drama that was complicating Jensen's life and that always seemed to surround him, he was living his life to the fullest now and had a single-minded focus on his career. And let face it, you can't put a price on that kind of freedom...

Maybe Jensen was just out of head and out of his mind again... but he didn't have the emotional strength to deal with all of these ups and downs anymore, and he couldn't exactly forget the _ **past.** _ He'd try and move past it all, but honestly, what the fuck is history if you _**forget it...**_  
**  
**

 

** B-L-A-C-K-O-U-T **

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! :D x


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